Too many tears

It has been quite a while since I last wrote a blog post. Nothing happened. I just thought that I had nothing to say.

This week has been unusually “hard” for me.  I found myself breaking down in front of my team. The night prior I had listened to a podcast by Dr Brene Brown on Good Life Project where she spoke about, “What if you Dared to Be You?”

It must have hit a nerve, because as I started my meeting, I opened up about being tired and emotionally drained, a bit of a hypocrite. I am always talking to my team about mental fitness and our saboteurs and having a growth mindset yet here I am, hating the current space that I am in.

I lost my best friend a few months ago and I thought that I had “dealt with her death”. Whatever that means. How does one deal with an unexpected loss? We mourn them, shed a few tears and then life carries on, or does it?

You see, for a long time my friend wasn’t happy with certain things at her work, so she would often turn to me, as not only her friend, but a life coach for advice and guidance. I got to a point where I told here, “If you don’t do anything about it, then I do not want to hear about it. I can only tell you the same thing repeatedly for so long. You will have to start taking action.” And she did. She had the “tough conversation” with her boss, then she fell ill and died on me.

Now here I am, not enjoying the space that I am in and not taking my own advice. I truly feel that I am letting her down. She had always put me on somewhat of a pedestal and here I am, not living up to her expectations of me.

She was the one who did the regular check-ins. Her voice note came when I needed it the most, without realizing that I did. No more voice notes mean no more regular check-ins. When was the last time you did a check-in with your bestie? Go on, get cracking, before it’s too late! Take it from someone who knows. ☹

My team rallied around me and “held space” for me to be vulnerable. We spoke about our challenges this past year and how we bury our deepest fears and failings. How we always show up despite not having a good day. We admitted that we can only be strong for so long before the cracks start showing and we really have a meltdown, which I unfortunately or fortunately did with them.

I had my mini cry and by the end of our meeting I realized how fortunate I was to have them in my corner. There was no judgement, just compassion and relief that I too am human.

Later that night I told my hubby about my “mini breakdown”. The trooper that he is, once again, like always, held the space for me to talk about what was really going on in my head.

The following morning a team member showed up with treats in honor of “Bosses Day”. They wanted to thank me for everything that I do and for what I mean to them. This gesture had me in tears. It’s the most appreciated I have felt in a long time.  Clearly, I am doing something right despite my saboteurs telling me differently.

This gave me the courage to get cracking on some things that I had been putting off, including reaching out to the mother of my friend that had passed on, as well as another of her closest friends. I sent emotional messages to them both, apologizing for being “absent” for the past few months and admitting how hard it’s been to just go on without her. They both responded with their own raw grief, and this just sent me into another spiral of tears, exposing my own truth, that I haven’t been okay, despite what I was putting out into the world.

Once again inconsolable, my poor hubby allowed me to cry and be present with what I was feeling. That allowed me to clear my head and proceed with fearless, laser-focused action. I have become complacent and okay with living an uninspired life. However, I am not okay with that. I have let my friend down, but more importantly, I have let myself down. This unfilled and “average” person is not who I am. Hubby says that I am being too hard on myself, but nothing like a week of good crying combined with a few reality checks to confront those hidden demons to put things into perspective.

I want to tell my friend that my wheel is broken and that her death has exposed my slow “puncture”. I want to admit to her that I haven’t been okay, not for a long time. The weight of one area of my life being unfilled and uninspiring has finally rolled over to other areas, which I knew that it would. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself or to her. It was easier to put on the plaster and cover up, but like most “cover ups”, it has not done me any good.

Right now, I do not know what the future holds without my friend. Even as I write this the tears are streaming down my face. This week has just been so damn hard!

Over and out until next time,

Ophelia

(Photo credit to Erik McClean from Pexels)